* blow *

today i had my group meeting hoping for the project to work. as expected the cart still did not move. i told them that i have no ideas left and i don't mind handing it up like this. david then said that he thinks we should at least hand up a car that moves. somehow this ticked me off and i burst out my anger. david started argueing back and he revealed that i have some character issue and i am rude to them everytime i meet them and he is not the only one who thinks so. this hit me hard.

i then asked him when exactly was i rude and he including jon hwa gave a couple of examples which were true. i realised that yes, i was rather rude then and i asked them for forgiveness. i then explained why i was rude then.

the reason why i was rude then was because i felt very stressed when i'm with them. everytime we are together i just feel that i am carrying the burden of the whole design project since they did not contributed a single thing towards the design part of the balloon cart. i felt that the whole cart was my thinking and it felt really difficult for me. it somehow angered me alot hence everytime they did not do something i wanted them to do, i started feeling angry deep inside. i guess somehow it was let out indirectly by me being rude.

2 things resulted from this anger within. first was that they also felt really stressed. this is part of why i'm feeling the guilt right now. second was that i believe this anger actually blocked some of their suggestions, hence applying more pressure towards myself.

i feel amazingly bad right now because i've always strived to be polite, kind and good mannered because that is how i like to be. but this 'rude' issue that was revealed to me today hit me hard. i try soo damn hard and yet this happens. i just don't know how to face them in the future anymore and i'll be so scared when i feel angry next time because the 'outburst' might happen again. i just don't know how to overcome this. i don't know whether this is normal or not but what i know is that i've hurt 2 guys and have put my project in jeopardy because of this, and i feel real bad about it.

the saddest thing of all is that this issue brought to my attention that i am a horrible leader. i suck at dividing duties and i suck at organising. i fuckin' suck in these simple things i do in order to strive in life. i've always tried to do these things best because last time i always thought that i suck at everything. and now it seems that i still do abit. I HATE THIS PART OF ME. this issue is the whole reason why i had that breakdown in the starting of my college years and the whole reason why my social and family life suck outside highschool. it's because i think this way. that's why dealing this is a very VERY big deal for me. i thought i have got over with this but why is it still coming and haunting me back. WHY!

the only good thing that happened from today's group meeting was that this is the first time that i felt that we are a group and we do things together. i've never felt so 'team' with them until today.

but the bottom line is i still feel like shit. i don't know when i will feel better agian but i hope it will be soon.