Tekanan's Xanga

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Sun, 15 May 2005 13:26:48 GMT

* 12.22am may 16th 2005 *

my 21st bday! i'm not going to say much as i'm abit busy at the moment [i have tonnes of things to say and it's a shame that when i look back at this in the future i'll most likely forget about it]. anyway, i posted because i just wanted to post what my parents sent to me in a form of an online b'day card.

Happy 21st Birthday to our dearest son,
ALIF
9 plus 1 Wishes for you :
Joy
Hope
Happiness
Good health
Strength
Peace of mind
Success in all undertakings
Wealth
May all your dreams come true!!

ALL OUR LOVE...MUMMY & DADDY

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Sun, 15 May 2005 00:53:16 GMT

* hehe *

haha. after so long of not updating my blog and here i am going to write something so freakin short. =P [lets just say that i'm busy shall we?]

i did a CS Survey and this is what i got.

I am 17% addicted to Counterstrike.
http://seanism.com/addiction/cs.php

i say it's utter BS. i'm definitely more addicted to CS than that.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 06:16:02 GMT

* rejoice *

since last night i feel much better. this is the reason why.

i thank god for 2 things.
1) telling david early on in the design stages to think of another idea and try to covert air power into mechanical power. after reviewing that cart i decided that it will be a backup plan only to realise 2 nights ago that it is a very wise choice.
2) Yin Leng for telling me to try using the backup plan and improve it.

basically david's idea was really good. he did most of the design and i remembered that i suggested him to move the valve from facing the tophalf of the gear to facing the bottomhalf of the gear, which was a good move indeed as even my lecturer, Dr. Colin Burvill, commented so. Jon Hua who i thought contributed little thought of a very good startup of the car and it was effective.

on flat surface we did 8m at least. today the track was on a bumpy tiled floor and the most we did was 2.71m [our requirement was 10m]. we wanted to use 6 balloons but apparently we wasted 3 mins just getting the car ready. so we had to use 4 and it wasn't too shabby. it's a shame though that the lecturers could not see the real performance of the car, but what matters was that the car moved!

the official fastest time for 10m was a 2 wheel shaft-cum-car of 3.47s. however after everyone left this dart-like car made like 2.68s in 10m!!! that's amazing! it's a shame that the lecturers weren't there to see it!

all in all i felt really good. i've learnt a valuable lesson from this whole project and i pray hard that i do not repeat this mistake in the future.

i shall post up the car's pic in the near future if possible.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 09:52:50 GMT

* blow *

today i had my group meeting hoping for the project to work. as expected the cart still did not move. i told them that i have no ideas left and i don't mind handing it up like this. david then said that he thinks we should at least hand up a car that moves. somehow this ticked me off and i burst out my anger. david started argueing back and he revealed that i have some character issue and i am rude to them everytime i meet them and he is not the only one who thinks so. this hit me hard.

i then asked him when exactly was i rude and he including jon hwa gave a couple of examples which were true. i realised that yes, i was rather rude then and i asked them for forgiveness. i then explained why i was rude then.

the reason why i was rude then was because i felt very stressed when i'm with them. everytime we are together i just feel that i am carrying the burden of the whole design project since they did not contributed a single thing towards the design part of the balloon cart. i felt that the whole cart was my thinking and it felt really difficult for me. it somehow angered me alot hence everytime they did not do something i wanted them to do, i started feeling angry deep inside. i guess somehow it was let out indirectly by me being rude.

2 things resulted from this anger within. first was that they also felt really stressed. this is part of why i'm feeling the guilt right now. second was that i believe this anger actually blocked some of their suggestions, hence applying more pressure towards myself.

i feel amazingly bad right now because i've always strived to be polite, kind and good mannered because that is how i like to be. but this 'rude' issue that was revealed to me today hit me hard. i try soo damn hard and yet this happens. i just don't know how to face them in the future anymore and i'll be so scared when i feel angry next time because the 'outburst' might happen again. i just don't know how to overcome this. i don't know whether this is normal or not but what i know is that i've hurt 2 guys and have put my project in jeopardy because of this, and i feel real bad about it.

the saddest thing of all is that this issue brought to my attention that i am a horrible leader. i suck at dividing duties and i suck at organising. i fuckin' suck in these simple things i do in order to strive in life. i've always tried to do these things best because last time i always thought that i suck at everything. and now it seems that i still do abit. I HATE THIS PART OF ME. this issue is the whole reason why i had that breakdown in the starting of my college years and the whole reason why my social and family life suck outside highschool. it's because i think this way. that's why dealing this is a very VERY big deal for me. i thought i have got over with this but why is it still coming and haunting me back. WHY!

the only good thing that happened from today's group meeting was that this is the first time that i felt that we are a group and we do things together. i've never felt so 'team' with them until today.

but the bottom line is i still feel like shit. i don't know when i will feel better agian but i hope it will be soon.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 07:31:52 GMT

* Dare to dream but dare not to fail? *

2 things my mom desribed me as, and both turned out soo true.

1) i'm a tidy yet dirty person
- proven from the state of my apartment. at times i can get fussy in terms of the placement of things. i dunno why but there are things that just HAVE to be in that particular spot. this explains my tidyness. however i do vacum my place like once per semester. this can be seen by the buildup of dust at the corners of the room. this explains my dirtyness.

2) a certain kind of risk taker
- proven by 2 things.

a) chor tai ti. when i play this game it shows this behaviour VERY clearly. my mom noticed that i'm the kind of player who if i win it will be a great win [like putting down all my cards with opposing players still having a handful of cards left] but if i loose, i loose like shit [like having the most cards].

b) my current design project. i'm supposed to build a balloon cart and the idea is quite innovative yet tedious to pull off. currently the situation looks grim with the car not moving and it's due on thurs. however today my friend asked about my cart and they believe it won't move by a milestone and yet i insist the design can be done and it can move that mile. i guess if i pull this off it's one heck of a car.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 11:21:22 GMT

* Life is but a dream *

after a VERY LONG time, today i had a very nice chat with kd. some things he revealed to me were shocking revelations and probably some that i reveal to him were too. i was rather disturbed on whether i should reveal to him 'that' fact cuz as a human, one will definitely 'feel' something out of it. but in the end i did and thank god he took it well. even so, he gave one of those expressions that he will put lots of thought into it.

he also pointed to me that everyone, and i mean EVERYONE have their own problems. i'm not the only one having them [in a family, friends, or love life prob]. i guess one part of problem solving is not how to overcome it, but how to DEAL with it.

everyone puts a mask on when they are having a problem. the question is how well that mask is made.

i guess today's serious chat with kd is a prime example of a quote i learnt sometime ago.

"Life is but a dream"

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 07:13:42 GMT

* 7 months *

last night when struggling to sleep, i realised something. for the past 7 months i've done soo many stupid things in my love/crush life. even the recent event i have no idea whether was it a stupid thing or the right thing. the thing is that event feels kinda stupid now but it doesn't seem like one. sigh~

so now i shall make and try to keep this vow. it goes something like this.

" from today onwards, i shall not do anything stupid when it comes to love life, like revealing my feelings or do some other pansy wuss actions that might result in a 'stupid event' when i look back at it for at least a year. "

i don't know how long i will last, but i will try to be as patient as possible. a friend once told me that one of my strengths is my patience. recently i find that it has toned down. but i shall prove myself wrong and show God that it is indeed one of my greatest strength.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 11:00:30 GMT

* Gaya, Mutu, Keunggulan *

i'm having one of those days where i want to write something and yet i've got nothing to write. no it's not because nothing's happening, it's just that my mind's blank when it comes to what to tell.

1) forcing myself to go out with my 'hardcore console gamer' friends tomorrow to watch a movie. i have this guilt of consistently denying their invitation of an outing since the start of the semester. anyway i think it's a good time to enjoy something even though i'm gonna be busy as hell this week considering what has happened over the past few weeks.

2) even though there are times when i may laugh and smile, i still have this sad feeling deep inside my gut. i'm not saying that i feel depressed, but just sad. i feel like something's missing, something's lost, and also lonely.

3) style... a word used in many phrases with different meanings for different context. of course with the recent DotA outburst of games played, the item 'Manta Style' would come straight into my mind but lets not go there shall we? a 'friend' complained about the current style he/she has now and he/she does not like it one bit. when i think about it, i've been through this stage and it was horrible. but that's a long story and very personal. i don't have to write it down in my blog as i'll remember it for life. but my point is that i guess these 'things' just takes time. patience is the key and it will pay off having it. i believe he/she WILL obtain that style of his/hers back. all he/she needs is patience and the right moment. i guess he/she will know what i mean after going through it...

4) why is my tagboard dead?

5) i've been cursing alot for the past 5 days. wtf!

=| <=== that's a straight mouthed smiley.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 11:12:50 GMT

* cheated *

i feel so cheated today. yesterday i received my wireless broadband only to find difficulty in logging online. had to call customer service and was told that they haven't activated my account yet, hence was put on hold for at least 20mins as they went to activate my account.

after my account got activated, i realised the slow download speed [15kbps]. i was rather dissapointed at first but i thought maybe it was because of the peak hours.

today, i changed the connecting port from USB to LAN and apparently the speed went significantly higher, by around 10kbps. but the weird thing was the prog that came with the modem did not show any signal. i was online but that stupid prog didn't show any damn signal at all. so i called customer service to ask them how to get it working. somehow it strayed on to the fact that my download speed was too slow. i was then revealed that i should be downloading at around 40-50kbps! the speed was so significant that i was really pissed. after 1+ hour of 'troubleshooting', they asked me to try at another friend's place to see whether is it my com or the modem's problem. if it's the modem problem they will replace with a new one.

later in the evening i tried it on a friend's com only to receive the same download speed. i then proceeded to call them and tell them my situation. they tried troubleshooting again but i revealed that i've tried everything they could think of. after another long 'put on hold', they finally revealed it's my com's problem and not the modem.

i was really pissed. how can this be when only my network card did not show the signal but my USB port did. in fact i could even connect online using the LAN port when it did not show any signal at all [modem was indicating that it received signal anyway].

after a rude hung up from the customer service, i proceeded to change my network card out of desperation. same results appeared.

so now i'm using the USB port just so that i can convince them tomorrow that it's the modem's prob. even though my signal is pretty high at times, i'm averaging a 50-70% signal strength tonight. i'm also downloading at an average 10kbps.

i've never felt so cheated in my life. i've/mom paid AUS$215+$65 for the modem and the monthly fees for the month of march, which is ALOT of money only to get some stupid service worse than 56K. all i can hope is that tomorrow they will agree to send me a new modem...
if they don't i just don't know what to do anymore

_______________________________________________________.

another amazing thing that happened today. i put my nick as "i feel damn sad." in my MSN for the whole evening and up till now [11.10pm] only ONE friend msged me to ask what's bothering me. ONLY ONE. and i only just met that person! what about my friends who i've known for at least 6+ months??? how about my friends who i've known for more than a year?? this is seriously an added blow for me tonight.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 12:14:26 GMT

* the Pandaren *

it's amazing how just a phone call can change the way how you feel for that day. last night i've decided to call two people.
1) my parents
2) pandaren

1) i've decided to call my parents cuz i believe it's been awhile since i've last converse with them. i thank god that my family back home [especially my mum] is as healthy as they can be. but somehow my mum sounds a lil bit stressed out due to Karl. my mum also noticed that i was rather moody/sad/etc. and gave some simple advice.

2) i've decided to call pandaren cuz somehow i just felt like it. it's been awhile since i've last spoke to her and since i have 2 phones now, hence barely using the optus, i made the decision of calling her without a hitch. once i spoke to her i realised that i really missed her voice (and utter crap). however actually i didn't really hear her voice as she had a bad flu, hence giving her that "sexy voice when you get a flu". we just spoke and spoke and i felt really happy at that moment.

i know you won't be reading this pandaren, but i thank you for cheering me up (indirectly)